Rats

 My cats are great huntresses.  They hunt an abundance of different kind of prey.  Birds, snakes, small rodents, etc.  What they do not hunt is rats.  We learned this when rats found a hole in the siding at Mom's house.  Went through a whole rigmarole to get rid of them and none of the options was my cats hunting.  In fact my cats decided rats were out of their purview.  Nope, not going to do it.  Maybe those rats were aggressive. 

Becca's cat on the other hand seems to have no problem hunting and catching and killing rats.  When I first moved in there were a couple of rat tails under the nook.  And then no more for months and months.  Becca said there was at least one outside though because she saw it a lot.  There is no such thing as one rat. 

Walking through the kitchen the other morning and the light must have been just right....there was a dead rat under the nook.  Great.  I got out the broom and disposed of it.  It was mostly still whole.  Today I walk through the kitchen and realized that Willow is under the nook eating a rat.  Becca thought perhaps my cats had been hunting, but I knew better.  This proved it is Willow.  I think she is hunting outside and bringing them in to dine and share.  

I  haven't found any evidence of rats in the house other than being dead.  After that whole thing at Mom's house I definitely know the signs of rats.  I know what they sound like in the walls.  Great hunting Willow.  

Barack's Book

 I started Barack Obama's newest book, "A Promised Land".  Looks like it is the first of two having to do with his political career.  And the first chapter in and I was hooked.  He is an eloquent speaker and he is an eloquent writer.  I may have to check out his earlier books. 

I had read Michelle Obama's book awhile back, so I knew the story line.  But his is a different perspective.  His is a different story. 

Now I'm still in the beginning of the book so my feeling may change.  But right now just reading it makes me want to do something.  Not to be noteworthy or known.  But something that makes a difference for someone.  I'm not a young man looking to make changes of a national scale.  That man can inspire me though.

Maybe it is because it is time for me to do something.  Maybe it is the book.  Time is getting shorter though.  I'm going to finish the book and see where that leaves me.  With a great idea or on the path to figuring it out. 

The other thing that struck me is I would love to sit down and just talk with Mr. Obama.  He really is amazing.

A House

 I had a conversation with Beth last week.  She made a comment about me moving to Indiana.  I think about it more and more.  I've started looking at smaller houses there.  Still looking at large houses also.  But I knew when I started looking at the smaller ones that my brain is already thinking seriously about moving. 

Talking with David and he commented on how scary moving that far can be.  He is right.  But when I am there I am always comfortable.  I am close to my babies.  But I do get stuck.  So I am pretty settled in my space and am not totally sure I am ready to give that up.  So for now I will just keep travelling back and forth.  

I am well aware though that it is always an option.  If my comfort zone keeps getting disrupted it may be time to make that change.  Lots to consider.  

Learning Never Stops

 When I was young, I perceived older people as being pretty judgmental and stuck in their ways.  Their opinions were set.  Now that I am older, I can still see that in some people.  But not myself.  As I have gotten older I am much more of the mindset of letting others live their life.  Realizing that most of the time I am just not going to understand how they got to the opinions they did.  I do have my opinions and they are set, but I try not to let my opinions make me judgy.

Hindsight says that maybe I was very judgmental as a younger adult.  I wasn't trying to be, but I can see how some of my opinions and actions could make some feel judged.  While it was never my intention, I'm sure it happened.  

Over the years I have had some of my perceptions change also.  Sometimes because I ended up having similar situations and that made my previous opinion do a shift.  And I think life is like that.  I certainly never realized it though until I got older and had lived more life.  I'm sure there are some people who just naturally have pretty good opinions to begin with and maybe don't have to learn a new lesson.  

Life is about continuing growing and learning.  I keep asking questions.  I try to be more aware of my surroundings.  Always always always trying to broaden my horizons.  Using my new education to see how I did in the older days.  Sometimes pretty well and sometimes not. I don't feel guilt or regrets though.  I strongly believe in Maya Angelou's quote of "Do the best you can until you know better. Then when you know better, do better."

I've Become My Mother

 Since the beginning of November, I have watched more CNN than all the rest of my life put together.  I check in with it a couple of times every day.  Mom watched this stuff all the time.  I never did.  I watch a lot of movies and a lot of  prime time shows.  Mostly I let the news be.  I find it to be depressing.  But this election and all that surrounds it had me captivated.  

I was talking with someone about CNN.  They are very much biased.  This is totally against every thing I was taught about journalism way back in the day.  Journalism is suppose to answer the who, what, where, how and /or why.  You are suppose to be careful of how you use descriptive words as they can imply bias.  My comment about that though was at least their bias is close to mine.  And I'm aware of it.  

Biased or not, I still got a pretty good feel of how the election went.  Most highly scrutinized election ever.  Highest turnout ever.  

Biased or not, I got a real feel of how the lawsuits went.  

Biased or not, I got a too real feel of the storming of the capitol.  My instant reaction was the same as 911.  I have a friend on FB who was there and said if you weren't there you have no idea what happened and only a few people went in the capitol.  I heard people on the ground say it was antifa that did it.  I'm sure I did not see all that happened.  I'm sure my friend did not storm the capitol, but she was there.  All those people shown breaking in and then being arrested were not antifa. There were a lot more than a few people who went in.  A crowd so angry they wanted to hang the vice-president and thank goodness they didn't find him to see if they really would.  

I believe it was a fair and free election.  All legal votes were counted and it played out the way it was voted.  I think there is a lot of work to be done in the future and I'm not sure how some of it is going to be done.  I don't think it will be easy to reunited our divided country.  But the best thing I heard on CNN was when one of their commentators said...it is time to get back to the business of journalism and lose the bias.  I agree.

Embarrassed

 So I was having this conversation with a friend.  Someone had heard that her child had been arrested.  Then that person did some digging or talking to people and found out that drugs were involved.  My friend was really embarrassed that someone found out.  My takeaway was that she felt his addiction passed judgement on her job as a parent.  And that seemed to be the answer to my question of "why are you embarrassed?".

No parent is perfect.  Even the ones that seem to have it all together and have children who have it all together, are not perfect.  We just don't get to see the flaws.  I just find it interesting that my friend and I are in the same boat and yet we process it so different.  I have never hid my child's addiction.  I'll come right out and say that he is an addict.  It is what it is and it explains his time incarcerated.  It explains why I was raising his children.  It explains some of my frustrations. 

We didn't offer our children that first needle.  We didn't tell them it was all right to experiment with drugs.  We both come from a place of addiction.  So genetically both of our children had the possibility of becoming addicts if they started.  I can remember her best piece of advice to her son.....don't go to a place where you even have to answer yes or no.  If you aren't at the party up on the hill, you don't have to have an excuse for not imbibing or being pressured into it.  And it appeared that he got past those hard peer years of being a teenager.  Mine took no advice from me and went down that road at 14.  

As a parent I can tell you all the things I did right.  I can tell you some of the things I did wrong.  I can tell you all the things I tried over the years to "help" get my child off that road.  Tough love, super connected, hard boundaries (hard for me), soft boundaries, treatment, drug court, house arrest, and nothing worked.  My child is 31 years-old and it is not my job to parent him any longer.  He is legally an adult.  And he needs to work this out himself.  And I believe that about her son also.  I know she did what she could.  And it is in his court now.  I don't think his addiction is a judgement on her parenting.  Addiction affects the whole family.  

I'm not an addict, but I am very much co-dependent.  I have been to al-anon, I have been to classes for family at treatment, I have been part of my child's therapy through drug court, I have been part of my husband's therapy in treatment, I have read a lot and I have no answers.  What I did get out my time there is that honesty is best.  If you are hiding something you are letting it control you.  And whether it is our intention or not it is still enabling our addict.  I don't know that addicts should feel embarrassment or shame, but we should not save them from it. And when we hide stuff we are saving them from it. 

Every one works through this process in their own way and their own time.  We are all in different places.  So we take it one day at a time.  God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can and the wisdom to know the difference. 

Playing With the Fog

 

So Clatsop County had to go to no dine in this morning.  All the metrics, you know.  So Jodi and I walked along the River Walk.  It was foggy which lent a really nice element to the area.  The sound is different in fog.  The light is different in fog. It kind of makes my pictures look all black and white or old.  I have no filters.  I was just using my phone.  

A guy came up asking for a lighter.  Jodi was very surprised when I had one and I gave it to him.  I don't smoke so I really don't need it.  At home I have a bunch of the long bbq lighters for my candles.  So then he told us about geese going into the hole in the thing that looks like a big oil drum on the top of that structure in the river.  We never saw it, but the guy seemed very happy to tell us about it.  

We really enjoyed our walk in the fog.

A Quick Trip to the Beach

 Jodi and I took a quick trip to the beach.  We choose really well as today is the last day they can dine in at restaurants until the metrics change.  Since we arrived well before check in time at the hotel, we went down to Seaside and ate lunch at Finn's.  We did dine outside because it was so nice.  No wind, no rain.  It was 60 degrees.  We had some really nice fish and chips that were beer battered.

After that we poked around in some shops and walked down to the beach.  We watched this guy making big beautiful bubbles.  It was really quiet at the coast and we liked it.  We could actually look in the stores and see stuff. 

Then we headed back to Astoria.  Our hotel was right on the marina.  We had a lovely veiw out our balcony.  Jodi really liked the balcony and I told her I paid extra for that because I thought it would be really cool.  And it was.  We had Mexican food for dinner because we have not been able to go to our local Mexican restaurant since October.  Just bad timing.  First they had a two week closure because a family member had Covid and then when they were just ready to re-open our metrics went bonkers and the whole state shut down for dine in eating.  It will be nice when we don't have to worry about this stuff anymore and can just go and enjoy life. 

No Money

 I made it through Jan. 9 before I went to Walmart and bought shoes.  And then I went to Fred Meyer's and bought shampoo.  I didn't need shampoo.  There was jut a super sale on and I could buy five so I did.  My hair has grown out to the point that it needs conditioner if I want to comb it after I wash it.  So I got three conditioners and two shampoos.  I should be set for a couple of years.  Should is always the operative word in my world lately.  We'll see if I beat that date next year.  

I have discovered that some of the "shoulds" are not me. This house goes through an awful lot of garbage.  And we recycle.  If it was just me (and even me with the kids) I could have garabage service be every other week one can.  There is no way that works here.  Pat has one can every week.  I finally called and changed it to two cans every week because you pay extra for an extra can.  And we put out two cans every week.  So the last week I have been mostly by myself.  Rebecca went to MN and Pat went to Hawaii.  I accumulated one 13 gallon bag of garbage while they were gone.  I had half a recycle bin full because I went through some more boxes and got rid of stuff.  This tells me that I am still the same and the amount in this house doesn't really have much to do with me.  ;p

Nippy

 

This one goes back aways.  This picture is me and my grandparents' dog taken in their old house.  A house without running water, a bathroom, or much insulation.  The dog was named Nippy and she loved me.  I loved her.  

When I was small I had a series of black-outs.  The first one scared every body to death.  They didn't see it happen and because Nippy was with me they assume she had done something.  She hadn't.  She was just making sure I was all right.  I must have told them that after I came to. Nippy was my protector.  

Now as it turns out, they never figured out why I had the blackouts  I was on a powerful drug for a small period of time. I can remember them doing the brain wave test and I had to hold so still.  I just watched all the fireworks in my brain.  It's over fifty years ago and I hadn't thought about it in a long time.  

Today I was going through pictures and scanning some.  Found this picture of Nippy and me and it reminded me.  

"Pieces of a Woman"

 I watched "Pieces of a Woman" tonight.  And it was hard to watch while being fabulous.  It was real and raw.  It was a low budget film and I think that helped the realness of it.  The movie was about a couple losing their baby, right after she was born, and then the aftermath of that.  The film depicted the trauma of childbirth, the loss and the grief, addiction relapse, family breakdown, dementia, and how times moves on. 

The film started with a bridge being built and in the end it was so.  There was symbolism with the apples.  From seeds, seeds sprouting and an old tree in the end.  Everything about the movie felt well planned and thought out.  It was really worth the two hours of my time to watch it. 

Then there is the controversary surrounding Shia LeBeouf.  My understanding is that Netflix scrubbed the trailer of his scenes.  Which is really ridiculous.  Yes he is being sued by an ex-girlfriend for emotional abuse.  That is a side note and has nothing to do with the film.  He's not why you watch the film, but he does do his character well.  You watch the movie for the story and hope that whoever the actors are, that they can play the character well.  

Gene Pool

 I've been in a rabbit hole since I got my results of the DNA breakdown.  And I wondered about something (well lots of things).  When we are conceived, we are made up of things from the gene pool which is from both of our parents.  So it is their gene pools combined and then we come out with pieces of it.  Like if we have blue eyes, how smart we are, etc.  Well turns out this is also true of the ancestry part of the DNA. 

So the closer we are to the link of genetics, the more likely it will show in our DNA.  Hence my Dutchness.  My paternal grandfather is 100% Dutch.  But to get to the 100% ancestor that is Irish I have to go many generations back.  And that explains why in my personal DNA...I didn't get the markers for Ireland.  Although I did get Scotland and the ancestry loop includes a good portion of Northern Ireland. 

So for me that mystery is now solved. But I am still on the search to find out how I am Finnish.  All my life I have never heard that.   

It's A Mystery

 Back in November Pat bought me a DNA test from Ancestry.com.  I did my part and sent it in.  The results came in today.  And it is interesting.  Now when I received the test I said I would be mad if I was not a quarter Dutch and a quarter Polish.  I certainly did not expect that to happen.

I am a quarter Dutch, although you have to find it.  It is part of my 49% English/north Europe.  It is about the only thing that was as I expected.  My personal makeup shows no Irish and no Polish.  I am 28% Finnish and I have no idea where that comes from. I think to get that number I would have to have a full blooded Finnish grandparent.  

Pat was kind of excited by the fact that we are from Sweden, Norway and Finland which means we were Vikings.  

I did pay for a membership on Ancestry.com so that I have access to all the information.  A lot of it is just fascinating.  I love looking at the manifests from when great-grandparents came across and came through New York.  History.  

Wonder of Nature

 Up before the sun this morning.  Rebecca has a 9 a.m. flight to the Midwest this morning.  When we booked the ticket, I told her I would be happy to play taxi.  

As we were crossing the 205 bridge we could see the silhouette of Mt. Hood in the distance with the sky just waking up.  Not quite sunrise, but close.  The sky and the mountain were various shades of purple.  It was magnificent.  I wish I could have taken a picture.  

I miss stuff like this most days.  I see more sunsets.  I just love the wow factor that nature gives us.  So mornings like this give me pause and makes me appreciate the small joys that come.  

Step-parents

 Two of my grandkids live in a household with a step-parent.  We applaud David all the time.  He stepped up and stepped in.  His love of his wife, his love of his two children that he had with her who are the siblings, all weigh in. When I brought up the possible transition to Cassie, she immediately was onboard.  But she did say she needed to have a conversation with David.  For him there was no question.  Even though it was going to be a major change in their life he stepped right up.  I totally understood him.  Been there, done that. 

We are going to go way back now.  In 1984 I had a conversation with my friend Charlie.  Charlie was my parents age, but he always treated me like an adult.  When he found out I was engaged he gave me a piece of advice.  He said run.  Dave had an ex-wife and two children from that marriage.  Charlie had also been down the road I was on.  And maybe he was on the road Dave was on.  I think I have told this story before...but I just looked at him like he was crazy.  I was in love and nothing was going to change the trajectory of our life.  

August came and we did get married.  It was Dave's plan that someday he would have his children live with him.  It wasn't planned for eleven months later, but that is when it happened.  I married a man with children and I stepped up and stepped in.  I loved those kids as my own.  I loved those kids because they were his and part of him.  We were a family.  Or so I thought.  Hindsight always reminds me of Charlie's advice.  

I was married to Dave for 29 years.  We were best friends almost from the day we met till the day he died.  Just before he died he apologized for the hell that was to come.  He did so with as much pain as he could possibly feel about it.  I think he saw something he did not expect and that was that we were not a family.  But by then there was nothing he could do to ward it off.  And so it was.  I was told how it was an injustice that Dave loved me.  It's not something that I can comprehend or understand where it came from.  It just was.  Dave never felt that way.  He was my rock.  

After he died I moved on.  I was raising the grandkids who were the children of our son.  It is hard to move on from things you don't understand.  But it still happens.  And today my grandkids are where they belong and I am finally in a role I was suppose to be in.  I count all four of Cassie's kids as my grandkids.  And I'm not a step relative to the extra two.  I'm not anything in a bloodline or a marriage line.  What I am is their Nana because I am the Nana to Mike's two.  I count David as part of my family because he counts all of the kids as his.  And I was him and I know what it is like.  

With my history and experiences I give David all of my support.  I hope the bond that has formed is strong enough to weather teenage angst, step-parent/parent issues and time.  I certainly never gave him advice.  Charlie was right...life would have been a lot easier to find a spouse who didn't come with baggage.  I think back and wonder if I would have done anything different.  I did not have to agree to a custody agreement and that would have made life easier.  Honestly though I don't think I would have done much different.  I did love his kids.  And now I love David and his kids.  I am the proud grandparent of four wonderful little people.  David and I have a bond.  My family grew a lot the day he decided to step up and step in.  

Food

 Since I am playing my game and I want it to go beyond three days, means I am cooking.  I had bought a ham with the bone in and we had that on Friday.  I sometimes do a thing called Planned Overs.  Big ham is definitely a planned over meal.  I have noticed that someone is eating leftover ham.  And that is a good thing.

So then the house was going to order in Mexican food last night.  Not me.  I had pork chops already prepped and ready to go.  No planned over there.  Just a really quick simple meal.  I'm not opposed to anyone else ordering take-out.  I just can't do it while playing the game.  

Today is the first planned over.  I made Mom's lentil soup.  I used the ham bone and the meat next to the bone.  I haven't made it in a couple of years and it was so tasty.  I think someone else agrees as one of the leftover containers has already been ate.  Lentils are a little bit high carbs, but splurges have to be made once in awhile.  And they aren't as bad as eating noodles.  And they have a higher fiber content which helps counter the carb count a bit.  

There is still enough ham for scalloped potatoes and ham.  I may not share that one with my brother.  Sometimes balancing carbs is hard.  

Better

 Even a year later I am still reading things for help dealing with anxiety, ADHD and ODD in kids.  It is amazing to me and I have read a lot of good information.  Almost to a point of overwhelming information.  You can't implement all the advice.  

The biggest best piece has always been structure and routine.  And a year later I have seen that in action.  When you have four children under your roof you have to have a pretty good routine to make a household run.  I am amazed at the routine and structure that Cassie maintains.  I know there is no such thing as a perfect day, but I have witnessed the routine.  Meals eaten at the table.  Teeth brushed, meds taken, bedtimes.  

I still absolutely think the kids need their parent.  And that is the biggest change.  But just having a parent, without the structure and routine, feels like it wouldn't be enough.  I watch the routine in her house and don't have a clue as to how she does it.  I have lost my own ability to do that.  Even when I had that ability I did not have it to the degree that she does.  

I keep reading though.  And mostly I don't pass on the information I have come across.  I don't overstep my boundary.  She is their parent and she is parenting.  I give little hints once in awhile when I am sure it won't be construed as me being critical.  I've been at this rodeo long enough to know we all do it differently.  And as long as no one is being abused, there is no reason for me to make my voice heard.  

The kids figured it out right away that they can't play us off each other.  Mom is the boss in the house.  Nana is Nana.  I love the role that I finally have.  It's the one I always should have had.  But had I not stepped in in the beginning, we all would have lost them.  I caught a lot of flack for that decision in the beginning.  And that decision caused a lot of emotions in a lot of other people.  And that is okay.  All that flack and those emotions had nothing to do with me.  It was people projecting their own trauma responses on the situation.  My decision was the right one for me and the kids.  

I have learned a lot about trauma in the last few years.  I think some of it I should have learned decades ago, but didn't.  I now understand exactly what a trauma bond is.  I can look back at my life and see where a lot of my own trauma responses come from.  Am I healed, knowing?  Absolutely not.  But I am learning.  I see progress when I feel a PTSD response and I breathe through it rather than react.  

All I can say is I'm learning and I see them learning.  And when it comes down to it, that is all that matters.  They are greatly loved.  They are still here with us.  And they make our lives richer for it.  I feel my heart mending a bit.

New Year, New Game 2021

 I usually use today to take stock of the blog.  You know, how many posts got read over the year, where people came from, etc.  But this last year the blog had some major irregularities.  I had a long stretch where someone, somewhere, was browsing from "Hong Kong" of over 200 hits a day.  My grand total number was over 100,000.  That is just wrong.  So I decided to just start over.

January 1st. New day, new year. And time to begin the game again that I have played for three decades. As the new year begins I stop buying things. Groceries and gas for work are exempt. This year I am not starting the year with a job so no gas. I think I have half a tank and that could last a long time. The object is to bring awareness back into how much I spend and on what. I have found that as time goes along I do lose track of that. And January 1st always seems like a good time to reign it back in. 

I don't do resolutions for the holiday.  I just try to bring my awareness back to myself and what I am doing. I am also participating in a challenge to get rid of 100 things.  I have gotten rid of a lot of things already, but I bet I can get rid of 100 more and it will free up space and time in my room.  It's all about breathing. 

Here is hoping that the virus gets a bit more under control and I can visit at least one of the cities on my list.  I have this list in my head of places I would like to see before I am too old or scared to go.  Maybe 2021 is the year that I actually get to make plans.  

And so Happy New Year to all my family and friends.  May you be well, inspired and grateful.