Open Conversations

 Turns out Tanya died of an overdose.  Now this really came out of left field.  My understanding is they are still waiting on a toxicology report to see if it was accidental or intentional.  

I relayed the small bit of information to Mike.  His initial reaction is she didn't do drugs.  I explained that you can still overdose and not "do drugs".  We don't know what she overdosed on.  Could be over the counter stuff.  It could be she had an injury at some point and got pain pills legally.  She could have sleeping pills legally or the pills she takes for migraines.  Many many possibilities. 

In our world overdoses come from illegal drugs.  I'm pretty sure Mike has overdosed.  I have posted about the kid who overdosed on my driveway.  I remember back in the day that Cassie spent a couple different times in the ER because of it. 

Mike commented that he hoped she hadn't found a way to get fentanyl. The next thing was his usage in a sitting would kill her five times over.  That is sad, but realistic.  Mike and I don't often have open conversations about this stuff.  

Mike then told me about the last conversation he had with Tanya, and it wasn't pretty.  I've been on the other side of some of those conversations, so I can imagine.  I just looked at him and said "now you feel bad" and he agreed.  I left it there because anything I could say would just negate his feelings. Saying it the way I did showed him that I understood and did not judge.  He does feel bad and can now never fix that.  I'm sure wherever she is she knows that now.  

Tomorrow is never promised.  Life's curveballs can give us a door to open conversations.  Ten years ago, Mike and I would not have had the conversation we had.  But lately it has changed.  And this gave us an opening to connect a bit more on an honest level without hindrances.  

Thoughts From the Road

The trip started out really quiet.  Like almost no traffic until the midwest.  I saw lots of cows, horses and sheep.  I saw one goat and one antelope.  

Heading east I had my grandson with me.  He is the best travelling companion.  Every gas station that boy got out and washed the windshield.  He takes his time and does a fabulous job.  Me, on the way back, just did enough to get most of the bug guts off the window. I missed him on the way back.

Outside of the PNW the price of gas was much lower.  I never paid more than $3.45 a gallon.  Even paid under $3 in South Dakota.  Best gas was Indiana, Wisconsin and Minnesota.  I don't know how my car knows when it is bad gas before we drive but it sure knows upon start up.  At home a fill gives me just over 300 miles for the tank.  Good gas in the midwest gave me over 350 and bad gas gave 260.  

I took the youngest granddaughter to Chicago for her trip.  She said the best part was the zoo.  Lincoln Zoo and it is free.  We spent three hours there.  We also went up the Willis Tower.  She liked it but the ledge kind of scared her.  She is afraid of heights, but she still got in it and looked out. I'm not sure she looked down, but I did. We also attended the color factory and ate one night at the Navy Pier.  Tried to find a fountain to play in without success.  The one I knew about was shut off for the day due to an event in that park.  Oy.  We walked a lot and had a good time.

All of my grandchildren are maturing and becoming more self-sufficient.  I was mostly amazed at what they asked for.  The oldest wanted socks, toothbrush, toothpaste and a new brush.  The second wanted body wash, deodorant and socks.  The third didn't ask for anything specific, but she got to go to Chicago and got socks.  The youngest wanted shirts and got socks.  And of course, they all wanted snacks.  

On the drive back I stopped at the aunt and uncles.  They are doing okay.  Sugar came right over to me and stood up and put his front paws on the table.  He is such a big boy, and he seems to remember me from previous trips. Spent the first night in Minnesota with my cousin.  Day two showed me a whole bunch of buffalo in North Dakota.  I look for them every time I drive by and have only caught a glimpse of a few.  Saw a whole bunch this time.  

There was more traffic going home.  Maybe school was getting out in more places so more people were finally travelling.  It was a nice trip and now back to my regularly scheduled life.  

RIP Tanya

 It has taken me three days to think about this.  Life has this funny way of changing the trajectory of how things go.  Tanya and I were family for over 30 years.  But then it just drifted away.  Sometimes that is just how it is.  But over the years I have wondered about her and go looking for information.  Hoping all is well.  And it has been off and on.

Last week I had this sense that I needed to check and I found out that she had died.  Much too young.  She was 46 years-old.  She left behind her husband, mother, brothers and five children.  

Tanya had lost her first husband at a young age and raised two girls by herself.  She had many complicated relationships.  Had another baby as a caboose baby.  Got married again.  Ups and downs.  Life.  

I hope that she found joy and peace.  I applauded her successes and lamented the losses.  I always wished the best for her, but it took till my later years to process that sometimes someone's best is not what I think it is.  I hope that she also found that.  

I know, or have learned, that I can be judgmental.  Life has a way of teaching and those things that I would have judgment on would circle back around so I experienced things and have epiphanies.  I never told her that on things that I thought she did wrong.  She just did things differently.  

And so it is.  Love and light always sweet girl.  Give your dad a hug for me.