This seems to be the year that things are shifting. It appears that I am healing from some of my traumas. Maybe because I am starting to talk about them. I can actually feel the shift.
As a person who grew up with an alcoholic parent, a person who married an alcoholic and a person who parents an addict, I am very aware of the manipulations that can occur. A lot of the time I know when my child is trying hard to manipulate me and I understand when I am manipulated that it is me making that choice. For a long time, I would lay blame on the one doing the manipulating. I just say this for clarification.
I have come to some realizations this year. Scratch that. I had been slowly coming around to some realizations, but they fully manifested this year. It is an absolutely lovely feeling to realize that you don't hold the same place in the hearts of people who are held highly in yours.
I am a people pleaser. I did not realize how much so until the disregard for my feelings came into play for the umpteenth time. I tend to go out of my way to try and make things go smoothly for my loved ones. I will try to fix what I can and replace what I can. An example is a hot water heater that broke, and my family needed hot water. So, I bought a water heater. Hindsight I was totally manipulated into buying that. Oy. It's not necessarily a bad thing as they have hot water, but it really is something that should have been figured out by the owners of the house. Or I guess you could say it was, but it costed them nothing.
I've been reading some of Mel Robbin's words. She is on Facebook. She does the 'let them' theory. One day she posted about letting people fail and something resonated in me. I was not doing that. When I do what I can to fix or replace things, I am not letting my loved ones figure stuff out. Even fail. Because we all fail sometimes. It is how we learn. I can come up with a hundred reasons why I do what I do. Mostly it is because I want to feel important to those important to me. And I don't want them to have to struggle. That is a catch-22.
So, Robbin's "Let Them" theory says when you don't get invited, when you get ignored, when you are shown your place in a priority list, etc, to let them. Let them not invite, ignore, show you your place, etc. And then act accordingly. At that point it is up to you. You don't have to chase people or try to fix things. You can have distance. You can do other things. You can set boundaries and have the relief from not walking on eggshells. When it comes down to it, you only have control over yourself, so when you let them, you release yourself from trying to change things and people. You can't so therefore put your effort into taking care of yourself. For me, that is a big shift in thinking. For the better.
Just reading the words and realizing that I have the power. I can't make people think highly of me. Either you get me, or you don't. I won't be someone's bank anymore. In normal situations I may have chosen to completely walk away, but I can't. But what I can do, is limit access to me and limit my time where I am not comfortable. I don't have to accept disrespect. It is freeing. And it is a huge change in my mindset. I feel the healing.
