My friend Marti and I were talking about medical things. She was very surprised to learn that I rarely go to a doctor. I don't do routine exams. I don't go when I hurt or am sick. She asked me what happens when. You know, what happens if you get cancer and haven't been to a routine checkup, so it ends up killing me? I simply said I was taking all responsibility for my choices.
Now this said, I do on occasion go to a doctor. I knew when my eye did weird things it needed to be seen. When I needed stitches on my lip I went to the ER. I'm not completely deciding to never go to a doctor. But I don't put myself through the worry of mundane things.
Late in life I have wondered what made me the way I am. Why do I not go to the doctor? When my granddaughter had to get stitches, I had an epiphany. She needed the stitches as the wounds would not quit bleeding. She was so scared and had to be held down to have it be done. Telling me to help her and there was nothing I could do except hold her other hand and talk soothingly to her.
When I was young, pre-school age, I had to have two surgeries. One was for removing the tonsils and one for a hernia repair. The things I remember are weird. The only thing I remember from the tonsil surgery was my popsicle melting and talking like Donald Duck. The second surgery I remember having the mask on and being told to count backwards. I held my breath, at least until I couldn't any longer. I knew from the first-time what breathing that did. Later I climbed out of the crib like bed to go to the nurse's station to call my mom as I did not want to stay there. And of course, I remember the dolls my dad brought when he came.
The part I don't remember where I am pretty sure the trauma comes from is the Vitamin K shots. I do not clot well. So, I had to have the shots to help with that. My understanding is they are very painful. The first one must have been okay as far as it happening. But when it came time for the second surgery and the second shot, I wasn't having it. Mom said it took five adults to hold me down to give me that shot. And just like that I had learned to not trust the people who are supposed to take care of you. Now as an adult I understand the need for everything that was done to me. Still doesn't stop the damage that was done to a little girl.
I think that is the initial doctor/healthcare trauma. I know there are more that I have not discovered yet to speak to humility. Almost all of my interactions with the healthcare field are not positive. Stupidly I smoked in my twenties, so when I ended up seeing a doctor every single time I was told it was my fault because I smoked. I had bronchitis one time it felt like my ribs were going to break. I had to pull my legs up to my chest and wrap my arms around them to cough. When I went to the doctor for cough medicine I was told I wasn't sick and that it was all my fault because I smoked. I'm sure smoking didn't help, but it didn't cause it. The doctor wasn't even going to give me any cough medicine unless my insurance would agree to pay for it. Wait..what? He did decide to give me antibiotics because I could get a secondary infection and lucky for me insurance paid for dough medicine. And later I did learn you can break your ribs from coughing. More than once I had to go through the humiliation of having a doctor talk to me like I'm stupid.
I quit smoking. And then I gained weight. Then if I needed to go to a doctor whatever would be because I was overweight. I ended up with tendonitis in my knees and could barely walk. Went to the doctor and this young thing told me it was caused by my weight and recommended a steroid shot which I declined. I had been told multiple times how painful that shot is, so for me, my pain has to be greater than my fear of impending pain. She looked at me and told me I was stupid as the shot does not hurt. I asked if she ever had one. No, she had not. I got referred to a sports medicine guy (one of the only docs to not lie) who said I did not need a steroid shot and yes it hurts. He did not say it was caused by my weight, but by my job and warned me that as long as I worked in a warehouse, I would have chronic tendonitis.
I have a few stories like this. The other part is every time I do go; I get questioned about my choices and basically called stupid for making them. I feel humiliation and anxiety when I know I need to go just because of those conversations. I have been told I can't do that more than once. And yet here I am still doing that. My trauma responses are so much more ingrained that society's social norms.
For me, there was initial trauma and then there was reinforcing trauma all my life. I was glad to figure some of it out and to know I can't change any of it. I'm not even sure if I can change my responses or if I would want to. Life is a whole lot easier if you don't have to worry all the time about the 'what ifs'. Humiliation, whether intentional or not, whether real or not, is a powerful teacher in learning what not to do.
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