Better

 Even a year later I am still reading things for help dealing with anxiety, ADHD and ODD in kids.  It is amazing to me and I have read a lot of good information.  Almost to a point of overwhelming information.  You can't implement all the advice.  

The biggest best piece has always been structure and routine.  And a year later I have seen that in action.  When you have four children under your roof you have to have a pretty good routine to make a household run.  I am amazed at the routine and structure that Cassie maintains.  I know there is no such thing as a perfect day, but I have witnessed the routine.  Meals eaten at the table.  Teeth brushed, meds taken, bedtimes.  

I still absolutely think the kids need their parent.  And that is the biggest change.  But just having a parent, without the structure and routine, feels like it wouldn't be enough.  I watch the routine in her house and don't have a clue as to how she does it.  I have lost my own ability to do that.  Even when I had that ability I did not have it to the degree that she does.  

I keep reading though.  And mostly I don't pass on the information I have come across.  I don't overstep my boundary.  She is their parent and she is parenting.  I give little hints once in awhile when I am sure it won't be construed as me being critical.  I've been at this rodeo long enough to know we all do it differently.  And as long as no one is being abused, there is no reason for me to make my voice heard.  

The kids figured it out right away that they can't play us off each other.  Mom is the boss in the house.  Nana is Nana.  I love the role that I finally have.  It's the one I always should have had.  But had I not stepped in in the beginning, we all would have lost them.  I caught a lot of flack for that decision in the beginning.  And that decision caused a lot of emotions in a lot of other people.  And that is okay.  All that flack and those emotions had nothing to do with me.  It was people projecting their own trauma responses on the situation.  My decision was the right one for me and the kids.  

I have learned a lot about trauma in the last few years.  I think some of it I should have learned decades ago, but didn't.  I now understand exactly what a trauma bond is.  I can look back at my life and see where a lot of my own trauma responses come from.  Am I healed, knowing?  Absolutely not.  But I am learning.  I see progress when I feel a PTSD response and I breathe through it rather than react.  

All I can say is I'm learning and I see them learning.  And when it comes down to it, that is all that matters.  They are greatly loved.  They are still here with us.  And they make our lives richer for it.  I feel my heart mending a bit.