For the Love of an Aunt

 Most road trips back and forth to the Midwest give me the opportunity to stop at my aunt and uncles place in Illinois.  My uncle passed away last year and now it is just my aunt.  I was there in January, and she brought me all up to date on her new normal. She had fallen and so the decision was made for her oldest son and his wife to move in with her.  Just to have someone around.  Her son was already staying there and had been since her fall.  

I stopped this trip and things had changed.  A lot. And it was hard for her.  Transitions always are, but she had already had a lot of transitions.  We talked about my uncle.  She showed me his urn and said hers would be the same when that day came.  I looked at her pictures on the walls and loved on her cats.  We talked about her kids and the process that is still ongoing in having her son and daughter-in-law move in.  

She had an appointment she needed to get to, so it was going to be a short visit.  I have always had an open invitation to stop in anytime.  I never know ahead of time when I will be passing through.  Traveling happens as it happens.  There have been times when no one was home when I stopped, and it was all right.   I see them as I see them.  I always felt blessed when they were home.  Especially those last few visits with my uncle.  We again talked of that and how grateful they were every time I stopped.  

This trip, while I was blessed, I also took note of the changes.  My love will never change. I have had a special bond with my aunt since my early teens.  And that is a story.

When I was ten years old my dad and his wife got into a major fight.  Basically, it was the end of their marriage. When the fight was over, I watched her get in a closet and stuff money into her pants.  Shortly after that she accused me of taking the $300.  I was asked about it but never felt believed when I said I had not (wonder if that is where the guilt feelings come from when you aren't guilty).  In fact, her children made me show them all my stuff that evening making sure the money wasn't in my suitcase, otherwise I could not have a blanket to sleep with. My aunt and uncle were there visiting.  So, they were sitting right upfront of my shame.  The next day my dad took my brother and I home.  And that was the end of it.  I never ever knew if he believed me or if he thought I had taken it. I'm not sure how a little kid could spend that kind of money and not be found out.  Obviously, I didn't have it and didn't spend it. 

About four years later my aunt and uncle came out to the PNW to visit us.  I can still remember the anxiety of that visit.  As far as I knew I had been accused of taking that money and I assumed everyone believed it including my favorite aunt and uncle.  My aunt took me aside and had a private conversation with me.  She let me know that as soon as we had left the money had mysteriusly turned up.  The way she told me said she knew I had not taken it and it was some ploy by Dad's wife.  The relief was palpable.  But then I was left with the new emotion that goes unnamed of how come I was allowed to sit for four years not knowing if I was believed. I was never told anything until my aunt told me.  I felt seen by my aunt and it created a strong bond that continues till today.  

So, when I would visit, we never talked about that thing from all those years ago.  But there were clues that maybe she loved me as much as I loved her.  My wedding picture was on her dresser for a long time.  As far as I know, hers was the only place other than my house where any of those pictures were displayed. To this day my aunt and uncle are displayed on my desk.  I have been blessed to have her in my life.  

Shifting, Healing

This seems to be the year that things are shifting.  It appears that I am healing from some of my traumas.  Maybe because I am starting to talk about them.  I can actually feel the shift.  

As a person who grew up with an alcoholic parent, a person who married an alcoholic and a person who parents an addict, I am very aware of the manipulations that can occur.  A lot of the time I know when my child is trying hard to manipulate me and I understand when I am manipulated that it is me making that choice.  For a long time, I would lay blame on the one doing the manipulating.  I just say this for clarification.

I have come to some realizations this year.  Scratch that.  I had been slowly coming around to some realizations, but they fully manifested this year.  It is an absolutely lovely feeling to realize that you don't hold the same place in the hearts of people who are held highly in yours.  

I am a people pleaser.  I did not realize how much so until the disregard for my feelings came into play for the umpteenth time.  I tend to go out of my way to try and make things go smoothly for my loved ones.  I will try to fix what I can and replace what I can.  An example is a hot water heater that broke, and my family needed hot water.  So, I bought a water heater.  Hindsight I was totally manipulated into buying that.  Oy.  It's not necessarily a bad thing as they have hot water, but it really is something that should have been figured out by the owners of the house.  Or I guess you could say it was, but it costed them nothing. 

I've been reading some of Mel Robbin's words.  She is on Facebook.  She does the 'let them' theory.  One day she posted about letting people fail and something resonated in me.  I was not doing that. When I do what I can to fix or replace things, I am not letting my loved ones figure stuff out.  Even fail.  Because we all fail sometimes. It is how we learn. I can come up with a hundred reasons why I do what I do.  Mostly it is because I want to feel important to those important to me.  And I don't want them to have to struggle.  That is a catch-22.

So, Robbin's "Let Them" theory says when you don't get invited, when you get ignored, when you are shown your place in a priority list, etc, to let them.  Let them not invite, ignore, show you your place, etc. And then act accordingly.  At that point it is up to you.  You don't have to chase people or try to fix things.  You can have distance.  You can do other things.  You can set boundaries and have the relief from not walking on eggshells.  When it comes down to it, you only have control over yourself, so when you let them, you release yourself from trying to change things and people.  You can't so therefore put your effort into taking care of yourself.  For me, that is a big shift in thinking.  For the better.

Just reading the words and realizing that I have the power.  I can't make people think highly of me.  Either you get me, or you don't.  I won't be someone's bank anymore. In normal situations I may have chosen to completely walk away, but I can't.  But what I can do, is limit access to me and limit my time where I am not comfortable. I don't have to accept disrespect.  It is freeing.  And it is a huge change in my mindset.  I feel the healing.  

There and Back

 The time came to take my grandson back home to Indiana.  He had a great time here and thanked me for the time and effort to make it happen.  He got to jet ski but not go out on the boat.  He finally asked in the last two days if he could ride Pat's bike.  And this time the answer was yes.  So, he rode all over the place.  I asked him if he ever felt lost.  He said he got turned around once but figured it out.  He is a smart kid. 

And just like that our two weeks were over.  The trip back was a road trip.  We started early to make sure we made it to Billings the first night. Disappointed in the hotel.  Three years ago, we were there, and they were refurbishing the pool.  I don't know what the problem is now, but there is still not a working pool. And the best part was the no hot water.  But we had a bed and a roof.  

Spent the next night in Minnesota.  Always nice to have a place to stay.  And then we were back.  He was home.  He claimed not to miss his siblings, but I could tell he did when he asked the younger two if they wanted to go jump on the trampoline with him.  They gave him a little welcome back gift that must have had a joke in it.  He appreciated it.  

I opted to do a very quick turnaround.  So, the next day the granddaughter and I headed back to the PNW.  A total reverse of the trip with the exception of a different hotel in Billings.  The whole trip back was pretty quiet and uneventful.  Saw no buffalo in either direction.  Just lots of cows and horses.  Made it back before dark and got to settle in with the scared dogs on the Fourth of July.  Now to spend some quality time with my girl.  

First Week

 My grandson has been here with us for a week now.  We have been to Skyzone and to the Oaks Park Roller Rink.  We went out to BG to visit Betty, Jodi and Drew.  We have watched a couple of movies.  That has always been our thing.  

We went to the mall shopping and I was floored by prices.  I hadn't been shopping at the mall for several years. We found no jeans that he liked and the ones he didn't ran $54 and above.  He found a pair of Jordan's for an excellent price.  I think they were just clearing them out and it only costed me $65.  So total from the mall were shoes, swim trunks, one pair of shorts and one shirt.  Wanted a beverage and they were running $6 and up.  No thanks.  You expect that kind of price at a venue like the theater.  We went out to Del Taco for dinner, and he got a large drink for $3.  

Another day was a Walmart trip where he got socks and another shirt.  Also picked up some rather nice hair products for him.  Then we ordered online for the rest. Three pairs of jeans, two more shirts, crease protectors and boxers.  I think he is sitting pretty good for the start of school now.  

We have done all the things we had planned.  Next week he will be hanging with Pat and hoping to do a water activity.  We are cat sitting Ralphie and Farcus.  Looking forward to a little cat fishing. And then it will be time to head back to Indiana. 

Trauma and Distrust

 My friend Marti and I were talking about medical things.  She was very surprised to learn that I rarely go to a doctor. I don't do routine exams.  I don't go when I hurt or am sick.  She asked me what happens when.  You know, what happens if you get cancer and haven't been to a routine checkup, so it ends up killing me?  I simply said I was taking all responsibility for my choices.

Now this said, I do on occasion go to a doctor.  I knew when my eye did weird things it needed to be seen.  When I needed stitches on my lip I went to the ER. I'm not completely deciding to never go to a doctor. But I don't put myself through the worry of mundane things. 

Late in life I have wondered what made me the way I am.  Why do I not go to the doctor?  When my granddaughter had to get stitches, I had an epiphany.  She needed the stitches as the wounds would not quit bleeding.  She was so scared and had to be held down to have it be done.  Telling me to help her and there was nothing I could do except hold her other hand and talk soothingly to her. 

When I was young, pre-school age, I had to have two surgeries.  One was for removing the tonsils and one for a hernia repair.  The things I remember are weird.   The only thing I remember from the tonsil surgery was my popsicle melting and talking like Donald Duck.  The second surgery I remember having the mask on and being told to count backwards.  I held my breath, at least until I couldn't any longer.  I knew from the first-time what breathing that did.  Later I climbed out of the crib like bed to go to the nurse's station to call my mom as I did not want to stay there.  And of course, I remember the dolls my dad brought when he came.  

The part I don't remember where I am pretty sure the trauma comes from is the Vitamin K shots. I do not clot well.  So, I had to have the shots to help with that.  My understanding is they are very painful.  The first one must have been okay as far as it happening.  But when it came time for the second surgery and the second shot, I wasn't having it.  Mom said it took five adults to hold me down to give me that shot.  And just like that I had learned to not trust the people who are supposed to take care of you.  Now as an adult I understand the need for everything that was done to me.  Still doesn't stop the damage that was done to a little girl.  

I think that is the initial doctor/healthcare trauma. I know there are more that I have not discovered yet to speak to humility.  Almost all of my interactions with the healthcare field are not positive.  Stupidly I smoked in my twenties, so when I ended up seeing a doctor every single time I was told it was my fault because I smoked.  I had bronchitis one time it felt like my ribs were going to break.  I had to pull my legs up to my chest and wrap my arms around them to cough.  When I went to the doctor for cough medicine I was told I wasn't sick and that it was all my fault because I smoked.  I'm sure smoking didn't help, but it didn't cause it.  The doctor wasn't even going to give me any cough medicine unless my insurance would agree to pay for it. Wait..what?  He did decide to give me antibiotics because I could get a secondary infection and lucky for me insurance paid for dough medicine.  And later I did learn you can break your ribs from coughing.  More than once I had to go through the humiliation of having a doctor talk to me like I'm stupid. 

I quit smoking.  And then I gained weight.  Then if I needed to go to a doctor whatever would be because I was overweight.  I ended up with tendonitis in my knees and could barely walk.  Went to the doctor and this young thing told me it was caused by my weight and recommended a steroid shot which I declined.  I had been told multiple times how painful that shot is, so for me, my pain has to be greater than my fear of impending pain.  She looked at me and told me I was stupid as the shot does not hurt.  I asked if she ever had one.  No, she had not.  I got referred to a sports medicine guy (one of the only docs to not lie) who said I did not need a steroid shot and yes it hurts. He did not say it was caused by my weight, but by my job and warned me that as long as I worked in a warehouse, I would have chronic tendonitis.  

I have a few stories like this. The other part is every time I do go; I get questioned about my choices and basically called stupid for making them.  I feel humiliation and anxiety when I know I need to go just because of those conversations.  I have been told I can't do that more than once.  And yet here I am still doing that.  My trauma responses are so much more ingrained that society's social norms.

For me, there was initial trauma and then there was reinforcing trauma all my life.  I was glad to figure some of it out and to know I can't change any of it.  I'm not even sure if I can change my responses or if I would want to.  Life is a whole lot easier if you don't have to worry all the time about the 'what ifs'. Humiliation, whether intentional or not, whether real or not, is a powerful teacher in learning what not to do. 

Brilliant

 I have learned more this week than anticipated. I know lots of facts about a platypus. I know about eels. Some facts about various dog breeds and cats. 

I have a girl who loves to do research. And yet she was surprised when she got the STEM award in school for her class. I’m not. If you know how to research you can discover anything. 

The boys show their stuff in other ways. The youngest is the top reader in his class. Just finished first grade but has been reading since before elementary school. Natural ability. The older brother has always been able to see patterns and it translates to math. Natural ability. 

The oldest is showing her newfound interest in older music. We have been listening to Paul Anka, Neil Sedaka, Frank Sinatra and the Inkspots. She’s fifteen. I’m excited to see her grow and find new interests or new forms of old interests. She’s always liked music. 

It’s been a great time with each getting one on one time. Conversations are different when there is no competition. It takes dedication to make all the one on ones happen when there are four kids, but so worth it. 

Plans

 I always plan.  Then it seems like my plans go awry.  So last year I had planned on retiring and spending half my year at home and half my year in Indiana with the grandkids.  It was a great plan because those grandkids warm my soul.  After almost four weeks there (and if I'm honest within the first week) back in Jan/Feb I knew my plan had gone way awry.  

Once home, and with an awry plan, it was time to make new plans.  I went back to work part time because I was invited to.  I am scheduled two shifts a week.  Naturally so far, I have worked more than that.  But being scheduled two days opens up space for new plans.  I can fly to Indiana to see the grandkids for a few days and then be back in time to work.  That can work out kind of nice.

So, I am free to fill in some more space in my year since I won't be in Indiana for extended visits.  New Orleans has been calling me.  It is another one of those places that I have visited and didn't think I would return.  Maybe I'm still searching for that elusive cast iron cat doorstop that I refused to buy last time I was there.  I want to go back and so it is on my list for a possible fall excursion.  

Then I am still wanting to go to Vancouver, BC.  Amtrak added a route so I could just ride the train.  I don't have a timeframe for this one yet, but it is in the planning stages.

I think I love the planning almost as much as the doing. 

Pizza

 When my friend Mike comes to town, he puts out a notice to our high school class that we are having pizza and anyone available can come.  After graduating Mike moved to Maine so he comes a long way.  

He was in town briefly this weekend, so his notice went out. Gerald and I joined him at Rocky's and had an outrageously expensive pizza.  The pizza was good, but the company and conversation were better.  Honestly these conversations are always fascinating.  

This time we talked politics, computers, 80's music and family.  I had to ask Mike if he ever sleeps because he is so knowledgable on so many subjects.  He said he doesn't sleep much.  

It was an enjoyable evening.  Looking forward to the next time.  Both Gerald and I commented about going to Maine sometime.  We'll see.

Berlin

 Dean, a resident at the pointe, put on a presentation there today about the fall of the Berlin Wall.  He gave history of it and how it was built.  I knew it was there, but I never had a grasp on how big and intimidating it was.  He told us of the checkpoints and the things done to make sure people didn't just leave East Berlin. 

When the wall fell, Dean and his family were there and broke off pieces of the wall.  He brought these with for the presentation.  It was quite fascinating and hearing history from someone that was there is always more than just reading it in a book.  Dean told a funny story about his son renting out some of his tools to people tearing down the wall.  That's a little entrepreneur right there. 

Afterwards I told him that I thought he did a great job.  He was nervous and felt like he could have done better.  He was just perfect for the audience, and no one minds a hmm and haw if it is needed from someone who is not a professional speaker.  

Thanks, Dean, for the effort you put into it.  It really was informational and interesting.

Trauma Comes in Many Forms

 I think every single person has trauma responses.  I don't think one can go through life and not experience trauma.  Some people have no problem pinpointing the experiences that shaped them.  Some people like me can only pinpoint later traumas.  I have very few memories of time before I was ten years old.  And some of those I wish I didn't remember. Maybe.  At least when you remember you know.  

So as a young child I had to have two surgeries about a year apart or so.  That in itself is another story, but this is about the second surgery.  I don't remember much.  I have a vague recollection of crawling out of the bed (a big crib like bed) and going down to the nurse's station to call my mom.  I wanted to go home.  That memory is fine.  

At some point after the surgery my dad returned home from a trip.  He was a long-haul truck driver.  While he was away, he must have stopped at an Indian Reservation.  He brought two Indian dolls with him. One for me, and one for the girl who was also in my room.  One doll was so much prettier than the other, at least to me. My parents decided that the other girl could choose which one she wanted and naturally she chose the one I would have chosen.  My heart was completely broken.  Now my parents explained it to me that they let her pick because her parents couldn't be there.  

As an adult I maybe, kind of understand that.  As a five-year-old child who had just gone through the trauma of surgery (and it was trauma), not so much.  I think it added to the trauma I had already endured.  I did not feel like the priority in a situation that I should have felt like a priority.  Some girl that we didn't know was higher on the list than me.  

I learned not to cry at some point earlier than this incident and it took me a long time to be able to shed tears about it.  Like four years later.  And of course it was the wrong thing.  I was told it was something that had happened so long ago that I no longer should have feelings about it.  I think that just cemented what I had already learned about crying and feeling things too much even four years later.  

I keep reading that too much self-independence comes from the trauma of having to take care of your own needs at a young age.  It's why I don't ask for help.  I'm slowly learning where it came from and hopefully healing from it.

RIP Thorne

 My friend, Thorne, died just after I returned from Kokomo.  There was a celebration of life today at the Pointe.  There was a pretty good turnout, and we heard a few stories. 

Thorne was our WWII vet and had gone to Normandy for the 80th anniversary of D-day.  He was so excited to go and jumped through all the hoops.  When he came back his health started deteriorating.  He caught Covid.  I think the trip took a lot out of him, but I am pretty confident he would say it was worth it. 

Before I left for Kokomo, we had a conversation.  He was 96 years-old.  Joined the merchant marines when he was 16.  Worked military for a lot of years.  Married.  Had children.  Traveled the world.  He had great stories.  Was so proud when he got the congressional medal of honor.  As he said, he had a good life and was ready for the next chapter.   

I will miss him and his iced coffee with two creamers.  Light and love Thorne on your journey.  I hope that Claudia met you and gave you the biggest hug.  RIP

History

 I attended happy hour at the pointe today.  I had some lovely conversations with some of my peeps.  I ended my flitting around to a table in the 'living room' and joined their conversation.  Well, I didn't really add to it, but I asked questions. 

They were discussing the Berlin Wall, how it came to be and after it came down.  It was quite an interesting discussion.  A few of the people at the table had been in Europe and saw firsthand some of the remnants of WW2.  The buildings that were still rubble decades later.  There was a communication tower built on top of a pile of rubble.  The rubble had to go somewhere.  

In the discussion the concentration camps came up.  We were told about one of them that hadn't been 'beautified' for the masses who came to tour.  No new grass.  No nothing.  I'm pretty sure it had that eerie feeling about it.   The consensus was that we are never told most of the story.  There are always so much happening behind the scenes.  Dean is going to put on a presentation at the end of April about the fall of the wall.  It should be very interesting.

As a server, I know these people to the extent that my job allowed.  As a guest I am getting much more in depth conversations.  Because I can.  There is so much history in their stories. I'm glad I ended up sitting with these folks today.  I'm looking forward to the presentation.  And I'm looking forward to many more interesting conversations.  

Belfast and Dublin

 

We could have used more time in Belfast.  On our way to Dublin, we realized there was a titanic thing and a Game of Thrones thing in Belfast.  

We ate dinner in the cellar of the Belfast Castle.  That was cool.  Good food.  We met a couple who chatted with us about the goings on in our country and how things were in their country.  They gave us good advice for our time in Dublin.  

The plan was to take the train to Dublin.  Figured it was okay to wait and buy the tickets at the train station.  Ha.  All sold out for the time we wanted to go and the next one. We would have to wait until late afternoon to catch a train that had tickets available.  So, a bus it was.  Made me a little anxious, but it worked out fine.  This one didn't follow a coastline, so it was a much straighter ride.  And it put us in Dublin not much later than the train would have.  

We spent three nights in a castle in Dublin.  I got great rates.  When we checked in, they had a paper that I had to put information on, and it had their rates.  If I had to pay that we would not have stayed at the castle.  

We spent a good amount of time downtown.  Saw the Dublin Castle (I think we had a theme), Trinity College with the Kells, and a great ruined church in a cemetery.  We ate in the hotel, a pub, and a little hole in the wall place.  Breakfast every day at the hotel where I switched from croissants to scones.  They had the best potatoes on their breakfast buffet.  

And then it was time to head to the airport for our flight home.  We got John for our driver and his claim to fame is as a great conversationalist.  He talked the whole way.  

From Glasgow to Northern Ireland

 

Glasgow wasn't a big thing.  We needed to do some laundry so we looked up where a laundromat might be.  Found a 24 hour one and got an Uber.  He drops us where the address is and goes on his way.  We are looking for a laundromat and don't see one.  Very confused.  And then I spot it out of the corner of my eye.  There is a washing machine in a gas station parking lot washing clothes.  There were two machines, so we got to wash our clothes.  We were amused. 

Glasgow didn't come across as so old.  Yes there were a lot of old buildings, but a lot more new buildings also. We found those kinds of things interesting.

After two nights it was time for our bus to the ferry.  Oy.  I did not do so well on that bus.  Mostly because it was following the coastline which means twisty and turny.  Reminded me of the other trip I took to the UK and how the bus got me. Motion sickness is no fun. But we made it to the ferry and then I could not bring up our tickets on my phone.  That was more frustrating than the ride on the bus.  Finally, we went up to the counter and asked.  No big deal, she took our names and printed us out boarding passes.  

The ride was smooth.  I do all right on bigger boats.  No stalking of Avril Lavigne or U2 this time.

A couple of things I noticed about hotels in the UK.  They use actual glass glasses in the rooms, and they also use real flames in the restaurants.  Candles.  Real ones.  

Up to Scotland

 

Next leg of the journey started with a train.  Loved the Hogwarts stuff at the train station.  It was a little confusing at first, but we figured it out.  We got good at figuring stuff out.  It was about a three-hour ride from London to Edinburgh.  Our seats were facing backwards, and I was in the aisle, so I didn't see much out the window. I was hoping to see the funny sheep I saw last time, but I was denied.  

Edinburgh was one of those quick trips.  Basically, just a stopping point on the journey.  It is where my biggest adventure started though.  We rented a car.  And I drove it.  Yes, wrong side of the car, on the wrong side of the road, going the wrong way on roundabouts.  I am happy to report that I survived it and it was not as bad as I made it out to be in my mind.  It helped having a navigator who helped watch for things.  I only hit two curbs a bit.   

We rented the car so we could do some stops around Stirling.  It is hard to do that when you are on a train or a bus.  So, we saw the Kelpies, saw the Wallace Monument (but not up close as they did not have a shuttle driver that day), and the Stirling Castle.  

Then I finished the drive to Glasgow.  

Whirlwind

 

It was a whirlwind of a trip. Ten days in the UK.  We called it our Ireland trip, but really it was a UK trip.  We spent two nights in London, one night in Edinburgh, two nights in Glasgow, one night in Belfast and three nights in Dublin.  I think if we were to do it again, we would pick two places and just concentrate on all the sights in those places.  When you spend part of the time travelling from each place and only one night some places, you miss a lot. Lucky for us it was a second trip for each.

Our flight over was a red eye, so we slept a bit on the plane.  British Airways is fabulous. We got fed two meals and a snack as well as beverages.  It was a nine-hour flight, but we are so used to how things are done here now.  We would call ourselves lucky if we got a snack and a small bottle of water.  

Customs was a breeze.  Essentially, we scanned our passport and walked out.  It is one big and busy airport.  We figured out how to catch the train into London.  It got us close, but we still needed a ride to our hotel.  

We stayed at the Limehouse Library Hotel, and it was a cute boutique hotel.  Two nights there.  There was a church right next door and sometimes we heard the bell ringing.  We ate breakfast in their dining room the second morning.  The first of many wonderful croissants.  

We made it to the Grapes Pub which is owned by Ian McClellan.  It was small and loud and interesting.  Everything was paid for upfront.  Even food.  That certainly curtails theft.  

Our full day in London included riding the Eye of London, walking around seeing the horse guards, Buckingham Palace and lots of architecture.  We ate some pizza.  

We had one talkative Uber driver who gave us a civics lesson on how they were working on climate control in London. He was fascinating to listen to. His name was Henry, and he did not agree that all the bike lanes would help as it slowed all the cars down waiting for bikes.  His perspective was one of an Uber driver and I certainly got that.  My one day in London said I would never drive there, ever.  

West Bound

 I finished up my visit in Kokomo.  Now I know all grandparents feel this, but I am amazed at how smart, funny, kind, and resilient my grandkids are.  All of them ready to help me in an instant.  We had some quality time as a group and one on ones.   

We did a lot of cooking, a little art, some fun with a black light, and a little shopping. So much love and affirmations. I loved how the littlest one would almost get embarrassed (but liking it a lot) when I would tell him how awesome and amazing I thought he was.  He has the cutest smile when he hears these things.  I made sure to tell all of them every day how much they light up the world and how blessed I am for them to be part of my family.  Since all of them are now older, it is easier.

The last night I spent at David and Kirstyn's house.  It was so nice to have a family meal and to hang out.  To converse and watch TV together.  Kids mixed in with us adults.  I learned a lot.  Got one of those slaps from the universe about something I had an erroneous opinion on.  The thing about me is I am able to recognize those slaps and learn from them.  

The littlest two and I ended our time making ice cream and I hope it turned out.  Number two got a new perm and was happy. I was so impressed with him and his friend who got outside and were shoveling snow and making money.  They made a hundred dollars the first day I was at David's.  As I was leaving, they were heading out to do more.  

These four weeks weren't just about loving the four grandchildren.  It was also an education. I easily fall back into old patterns and forget.  It's actions, not words.  Hence, I remind myself to set boundaries and keep to them. Even if they are small or seem petty to those who no longer benefit from me not having a small boundary.  It's mine and it is for me.

I made it to Rolla, MO.  Ahead of the snowstorm.  It will pass through tonight.  So, I am spending the day here and will look how it is tomorrow.  I am blessed to have Kim as my friend who will let me hang out and wait it out.  

It will be good to get home though.  Miss all the pets and my bed.  

More

 Already a third of the way through February.  Time flies.  We are still cooking.  We are still baking.  We are still reading our book.  I'm not sure we will complete it this trip.  If not, it will wait for my return.  

Have gotten some one-on-one time.  Took number two out for tacos on Taco Tuesday.  The price went up by a whole quarter per taco.  Number one only wanted fast food, so we did the drive thru and just chilled at home.  She wanted me to set my bed up in her room, so that was accomplished.  Number four had all those sick days when all the rest of the siblings were in school.  Need to do something with number three alone.  

We don't do anything super exciting.  We just spend time together doing mundane usual things.  I still am amused by the things they ask for.  Always asking for clothes, special treats from the grocery store, normal food from the grocery store.  Pringles are a treat, bananas are normal.  

One of them was super happy that I brought new toothbrushes with.  They have eaten almost all of the mountain man snacks that filled their snack drawer.  My art supplies have been borrowed a few times to go to school.  The crinkle cutter for veggies was a big hit.  Crinkled carrots always taste better.  

We have about a week and a half left.  Just living life.

Hits and Misses

 

I've been here just over a week.  I have cooked every night but one.  I had promised one McDonald's run while here, so we did that. The youngest has ate none of the food I prepared.  Can't please them all.  The oldest has not ate anything that I prepared, but at least she can find her own food.  Thank goodness for the middle two who either eat everything or at least be willing to try it.  

I have had help cooking.  I think that must be the best part for number three.  She and I also made bread.  She liked the process and ate some of the bread.  I made no bake cookies.  How can anyone not like no bake cookies?  Number four was willing to try them but asked what the little flat things were.  Oatmeal.  Well, he doesn't like oatmeal so would not try it after that.  

We spent an evening doing some art. They liked that.  I think more than doing the art, they liked someone doing the art with them.  We have started reading a book.  A long chapter book.  Hope we get through it.  It has a lot of obscure language to them, so I have to interject meanings.  So far though they seem to get the story. It is full of shenanigans.  

There have been hits and misses.  We will see how the rest of the time goes.  Probably more of the same.  Since there is more cooking, art, reading and playing planned. The weather is warming a bit which means we can go for some walks. 

A Conversation

 At some point I realized that my dreams mostly don't have sound.  No one talks, but we converse.  Telepathically.  Every once in a while, I realize there is some sound.  Like birds singing.  And once I realized how rare of an occurrence that is, I become aware in my dream that I hear sounds.  

I also am one of the people who have a running monologue in my brain.  I think in words.  And that is probably why I can't picture finished projects.  I just hope for the best.  

I'm always looking for ways to interact with my new friend Luke.  So I asked him these questions.  Do you hear sounds in your dreams and how do you think, pictures or words? We had a conversation about it.  And I could tell I struck his brain and got him thinking.  

Then weirdness happened.  I was dreaming and Cassie was actually talking.  And I was completely aware that I was dreaming and that I knew this was an oddity for me.  She was talking and I could hear it.  And I was asleep.  

Then at Kim's house I got to sleep in the guest room that she was in the process of redoing.  It is a dark green/blue moody fabulous room.  As soon as I laid down, my brain kicked in and I got to watch leaves and flowers and stems flourish in my brain in colors that would completely go with her decor.  It was kind of like being at the Van Gogh exhibit that Marti and I went to.   It's not how my brain works.  I was amazed.  

Now I can't wait to get back home and talk to Luke about it.  

Scenes From the Road

 I opted to take the southern route to Indiana.  My trucker friend told me I-5 is always a better choice in winter as they keep the roads pretty well cleared.  Smooth sailing all the way down to Bakersfield.  At that point the only snow I saw was on Mt. Shasta. So weird to not see snow on the sides of the freeway in January.  But it is what it is.  

I stopped in Chico and spent a little time with Kathy and Jeremy.  Did my heart good to see Jeremy looking so healthy.  I hadn't seen Kathy since I took the littles to San Francisco in 2015.

Stopped for gas and saw this Carrow's sign.  It is in front of a boarded-up building that has been closed for a while.  Carrow's shut down several years ago.  But seeing the sign brought back a bunch of memories of my youth.  I spent a lot of time with George and Tod sitting at the counter of our local Carrow's.  They drank coffee and drew pictures.  I just sat there being with them.  The days before I drank coffee.  

Albuquerque was my next overnighter.  Woke up and it was ten degrees.  Got gas and it was three below.  Brr.  At a warmer gas stop an older lady asked me for help.  She had arthritis and didn't feel like she could walk from the pump to the inside to pay, so I walked her money in and got her receipt.  Came back out in time to help her with one of her boots.  We had a quick conversation about arthitis.  She was miserable in this cold cold weather.  

I was off on my timing for oil changes.  Got to Amarillo, Texas and it was time for that to happen.  Amarillo, the first place with snow.  Slush on the roads. Texas.  Not someplace I think of when I think of snow.  

Then it was on to Missouri.  Kim lets me come and spend the night.  She feeds me. I play with her animals.  Met Dean, the blue eyed colt.  Actually got a picture of Odie, farm dog, this time.  Had great conversations about butter and toxic cookware.  I love how we seem to be going through some of the same stuff at the same time.  Klaus barked at me every time I would get up.  Always startled me because he has a loud voice.  He likes me.  He just gets startled himself or thinks I'm getting too close to his mama.  He does think he rules the roost.  

Another six hours and I was home in Indiana.  Just some scenes from the road.