For the Love of an Aunt

 Most road trips back and forth to the Midwest give me the opportunity to stop at my aunt and uncles place in Illinois.  My uncle passed away last year and now it is just my aunt.  I was there in January, and she brought me all up to date on her new normal. She had fallen and so the decision was made for her oldest son and his wife to move in with her.  Just to have someone around.  Her son was already staying there and had been since her fall.  

I stopped this trip and things had changed.  A lot. And it was hard for her.  Transitions always are, but she had already had a lot of transitions.  We talked about my uncle.  She showed me his urn and said hers would be the same when that day came.  I looked at her pictures on the walls and loved on her cats.  We talked about her kids and the process that is still ongoing in having her son and daughter-in-law move in.  

She had an appointment she needed to get to, so it was going to be a short visit.  I have always had an open invitation to stop in anytime.  I never know ahead of time when I will be passing through.  Traveling happens as it happens.  There have been times when no one was home when I stopped, and it was all right.   I see them as I see them.  I always felt blessed when they were home.  Especially those last few visits with my uncle.  We again talked of that and how grateful they were every time I stopped.  

This trip, while I was blessed, I also took note of the changes.  My love will never change. I have had a special bond with my aunt since my early teens.  And that is a story.

When I was ten years old my dad and his wife got into a major fight.  Basically, it was the end of their marriage. When the fight was over, I watched her get in a closet and stuff money into her pants.  Shortly after that she accused me of taking the $300.  I was asked about it but never felt believed when I said I had not (wonder if that is where the guilt feelings come from when you aren't guilty).  In fact, her children made me show them all my stuff that evening making sure the money wasn't in my suitcase, otherwise I could not have a blanket to sleep with. My aunt and uncle were there visiting.  So, they were sitting right upfront of my shame.  The next day my dad took my brother and I home.  And that was the end of it.  I never ever knew if he believed me or if he thought I had taken it. I'm not sure how a little kid could spend that kind of money and not be found out.  Obviously, I didn't have it and didn't spend it. 

About four years later my aunt and uncle came out to the PNW to visit us.  I can still remember the anxiety of that visit.  As far as I knew I had been accused of taking that money and I assumed everyone believed it including my favorite aunt and uncle.  My aunt took me aside and had a private conversation with me.  She let me know that as soon as we had left the money had mysteriusly turned up.  The way she told me said she knew I had not taken it and it was some ploy by Dad's wife.  The relief was palpable.  But then I was left with the new emotion that goes unnamed of how come I was allowed to sit for four years not knowing if I was believed. I was never told anything until my aunt told me.  I felt seen by my aunt and it created a strong bond that continues till today.  

So, when I would visit, we never talked about that thing from all those years ago.  But there were clues that maybe she loved me as much as I loved her.  My wedding picture was on her dresser for a long time.  As far as I know, hers was the only place other than my house where any of those pictures were displayed. To this day my aunt and uncle are displayed on my desk.  I have been blessed to have her in my life.  

Shifting, Healing

This seems to be the year that things are shifting.  It appears that I am healing from some of my traumas.  Maybe because I am starting to talk about them.  I can actually feel the shift.  

As a person who grew up with an alcoholic parent, a person who married an alcoholic and a person who parents an addict, I am very aware of the manipulations that can occur.  A lot of the time I know when my child is trying hard to manipulate me and I understand when I am manipulated that it is me making that choice.  For a long time, I would lay blame on the one doing the manipulating.  I just say this for clarification.

I have come to some realizations this year.  Scratch that.  I had been slowly coming around to some realizations, but they fully manifested this year.  It is an absolutely lovely feeling to realize that you don't hold the same place in the hearts of people who are held highly in yours.  

I am a people pleaser.  I did not realize how much so until the disregard for my feelings came into play for the umpteenth time.  I tend to go out of my way to try and make things go smoothly for my loved ones.  I will try to fix what I can and replace what I can.  An example is a hot water heater that broke, and my family needed hot water.  So, I bought a water heater.  Hindsight I was totally manipulated into buying that.  Oy.  It's not necessarily a bad thing as they have hot water, but it really is something that should have been figured out by the owners of the house.  Or I guess you could say it was, but it costed them nothing. 

I've been reading some of Mel Robbin's words.  She is on Facebook.  She does the 'let them' theory.  One day she posted about letting people fail and something resonated in me.  I was not doing that. When I do what I can to fix or replace things, I am not letting my loved ones figure stuff out.  Even fail.  Because we all fail sometimes. It is how we learn. I can come up with a hundred reasons why I do what I do.  Mostly it is because I want to feel important to those important to me.  And I don't want them to have to struggle.  That is a catch-22.

So, Robbin's "Let Them" theory says when you don't get invited, when you get ignored, when you are shown your place in a priority list, etc, to let them.  Let them not invite, ignore, show you your place, etc. And then act accordingly.  At that point it is up to you.  You don't have to chase people or try to fix things.  You can have distance.  You can do other things.  You can set boundaries and have the relief from not walking on eggshells.  When it comes down to it, you only have control over yourself, so when you let them, you release yourself from trying to change things and people.  You can't so therefore put your effort into taking care of yourself.  For me, that is a big shift in thinking.  For the better.

Just reading the words and realizing that I have the power.  I can't make people think highly of me.  Either you get me, or you don't.  I won't be someone's bank anymore. In normal situations I may have chosen to completely walk away, but I can't.  But what I can do, is limit access to me and limit my time where I am not comfortable. I don't have to accept disrespect.  It is freeing.  And it is a huge change in my mindset.  I feel the healing.  

There and Back

 The time came to take my grandson back home to Indiana.  He had a great time here and thanked me for the time and effort to make it happen.  He got to jet ski but not go out on the boat.  He finally asked in the last two days if he could ride Pat's bike.  And this time the answer was yes.  So, he rode all over the place.  I asked him if he ever felt lost.  He said he got turned around once but figured it out.  He is a smart kid. 

And just like that our two weeks were over.  The trip back was a road trip.  We started early to make sure we made it to Billings the first night. Disappointed in the hotel.  Three years ago, we were there, and they were refurbishing the pool.  I don't know what the problem is now, but there is still not a working pool. And the best part was the no hot water.  But we had a bed and a roof.  

Spent the next night in Minnesota.  Always nice to have a place to stay.  And then we were back.  He was home.  He claimed not to miss his siblings, but I could tell he did when he asked the younger two if they wanted to go jump on the trampoline with him.  They gave him a little welcome back gift that must have had a joke in it.  He appreciated it.  

I opted to do a very quick turnaround.  So, the next day the granddaughter and I headed back to the PNW.  A total reverse of the trip with the exception of a different hotel in Billings.  The whole trip back was pretty quiet and uneventful.  Saw no buffalo in either direction.  Just lots of cows and horses.  Made it back before dark and got to settle in with the scared dogs on the Fourth of July.  Now to spend some quality time with my girl.  

First Week

 My grandson has been here with us for a week now.  We have been to Skyzone and to the Oaks Park Roller Rink.  We went out to BG to visit Betty, Jodi and Drew.  We have watched a couple of movies.  That has always been our thing.  

We went to the mall shopping and I was floored by prices.  I hadn't been shopping at the mall for several years. We found no jeans that he liked and the ones he didn't ran $54 and above.  He found a pair of Jordan's for an excellent price.  I think they were just clearing them out and it only costed me $65.  So total from the mall were shoes, swim trunks, one pair of shorts and one shirt.  Wanted a beverage and they were running $6 and up.  No thanks.  You expect that kind of price at a venue like the theater.  We went out to Del Taco for dinner, and he got a large drink for $3.  

Another day was a Walmart trip where he got socks and another shirt.  Also picked up some rather nice hair products for him.  Then we ordered online for the rest. Three pairs of jeans, two more shirts, crease protectors and boxers.  I think he is sitting pretty good for the start of school now.  

We have done all the things we had planned.  Next week he will be hanging with Pat and hoping to do a water activity.  We are cat sitting Ralphie and Farcus.  Looking forward to a little cat fishing. And then it will be time to head back to Indiana. 

Trauma and Distrust

 My friend Marti and I were talking about medical things.  She was very surprised to learn that I rarely go to a doctor. I don't do routine exams.  I don't go when I hurt or am sick.  She asked me what happens when.  You know, what happens if you get cancer and haven't been to a routine checkup, so it ends up killing me?  I simply said I was taking all responsibility for my choices.

Now this said, I do on occasion go to a doctor.  I knew when my eye did weird things it needed to be seen.  When I needed stitches on my lip I went to the ER. I'm not completely deciding to never go to a doctor. But I don't put myself through the worry of mundane things. 

Late in life I have wondered what made me the way I am.  Why do I not go to the doctor?  When my granddaughter had to get stitches, I had an epiphany.  She needed the stitches as the wounds would not quit bleeding.  She was so scared and had to be held down to have it be done.  Telling me to help her and there was nothing I could do except hold her other hand and talk soothingly to her. 

When I was young, pre-school age, I had to have two surgeries.  One was for removing the tonsils and one for a hernia repair.  The things I remember are weird.   The only thing I remember from the tonsil surgery was my popsicle melting and talking like Donald Duck.  The second surgery I remember having the mask on and being told to count backwards.  I held my breath, at least until I couldn't any longer.  I knew from the first-time what breathing that did.  Later I climbed out of the crib like bed to go to the nurse's station to call my mom as I did not want to stay there.  And of course, I remember the dolls my dad brought when he came.  

The part I don't remember where I am pretty sure the trauma comes from is the Vitamin K shots. I do not clot well.  So, I had to have the shots to help with that.  My understanding is they are very painful.  The first one must have been okay as far as it happening.  But when it came time for the second surgery and the second shot, I wasn't having it.  Mom said it took five adults to hold me down to give me that shot.  And just like that I had learned to not trust the people who are supposed to take care of you.  Now as an adult I understand the need for everything that was done to me.  Still doesn't stop the damage that was done to a little girl.  

I think that is the initial doctor/healthcare trauma. I know there are more that I have not discovered yet to speak to humility.  Almost all of my interactions with the healthcare field are not positive.  Stupidly I smoked in my twenties, so when I ended up seeing a doctor every single time I was told it was my fault because I smoked.  I had bronchitis one time it felt like my ribs were going to break.  I had to pull my legs up to my chest and wrap my arms around them to cough.  When I went to the doctor for cough medicine I was told I wasn't sick and that it was all my fault because I smoked.  I'm sure smoking didn't help, but it didn't cause it.  The doctor wasn't even going to give me any cough medicine unless my insurance would agree to pay for it. Wait..what?  He did decide to give me antibiotics because I could get a secondary infection and lucky for me insurance paid for dough medicine.  And later I did learn you can break your ribs from coughing.  More than once I had to go through the humiliation of having a doctor talk to me like I'm stupid. 

I quit smoking.  And then I gained weight.  Then if I needed to go to a doctor whatever would be because I was overweight.  I ended up with tendonitis in my knees and could barely walk.  Went to the doctor and this young thing told me it was caused by my weight and recommended a steroid shot which I declined.  I had been told multiple times how painful that shot is, so for me, my pain has to be greater than my fear of impending pain.  She looked at me and told me I was stupid as the shot does not hurt.  I asked if she ever had one.  No, she had not.  I got referred to a sports medicine guy (one of the only docs to not lie) who said I did not need a steroid shot and yes it hurts. He did not say it was caused by my weight, but by my job and warned me that as long as I worked in a warehouse, I would have chronic tendonitis.  

I have a few stories like this. The other part is every time I do go; I get questioned about my choices and basically called stupid for making them.  I feel humiliation and anxiety when I know I need to go just because of those conversations.  I have been told I can't do that more than once.  And yet here I am still doing that.  My trauma responses are so much more ingrained that society's social norms.

For me, there was initial trauma and then there was reinforcing trauma all my life.  I was glad to figure some of it out and to know I can't change any of it.  I'm not even sure if I can change my responses or if I would want to.  Life is a whole lot easier if you don't have to worry all the time about the 'what ifs'. Humiliation, whether intentional or not, whether real or not, is a powerful teacher in learning what not to do.