A Little Progress

 I'm a fixer in the co-dependent realm.  Many years ago I learned to ask myself who I was actually helping when I wanted to fix something.  And that helps me to sometimes not try to fix someone's world.  Then I learned to say "That sucks" as an act of sympathy but not to fix.  That is a great one.

But I still find myself trying to fix things.  I interject advice when none was asked for.  I add my experiences in a conversation that was not about my experiences.  Hindsight says that can be a bit judgmental although that was never the intention.  It is surely how it feels when it happens to me.  

So I am working on my next step.  Not interjecting so much.  Listening for understanding not for my response.  Once in awhile I am successful.  But boy can I tell this is a hard one to make a new habit in my world.  I think it is progress just to acknowledge that I have this issue.  Because once I acknowledge it then I instinctively start to work on it. 

I'm making a little progress.  

The Boys

 For three days Jodi and I watched the boys across the street.  We are pretty sure they are homeless.  They aren't there first thing, but they show up and hang out all day.  Anyone still sleeping at around 6 are rousted and told to move on.  Jodi witnessed this when she went for coffee one morning.  So we watched their comings and goings and fights and whatnot.  

On our last night we decided we would go talk to the older Hawaiian gentleman.  On the way we passed a different group.  One of them had a guitar and looked like he was going to play so I stopped.  Jodi was a bit ahead of me.  One of the group just started yelling at her like "what are you looking at?" Well she said we just stopped to see if the other guy was going to play and listen to him.  Turns out he had just broken a string.  Well the yelling guy then totally changed his tune and got out guitar strings for the first guy.  We never heard any playing.  Instead they told us part of their stories.  One moved out to the islands from Virginia after his divorce.  Said wife got everything....maybe, maybe not.  The other one, with the guitar, told us how his family was involved in the founding of Horizon Air and A Thousand Trails.  Told us he modeled in his youth and he was so appreciative when I told him he still could do that.  He had a great look.  Life obviously played a cruel trick on these guys.  Alcohol can take all the life out of you.

We moved on to the group we originally wanted to talk to.  The older Hawaiian gentleman told us his name and it ended in Junior.  I told him that is what I was going to call him.  Not even trying to mess up his given name.  He is 62 and had never been married.  He offered to give me the necklace off his neck when I commented how beautiful it was.  I did not accept.  I did end up with a lei from one of the other guys and it turned out Junior had made it.  Junior was a gentle soul.  

I noticed that these guys are very jealous.  They would push each other out of the way so they could talk to us and tell us their stories. George, the original yeller, followed us.  He had been told by the ambassadors to stay on his side of the street.  He did not when he followed us.  The last morning we saw him on our side of the street talking to some people.  More sober in the morning.  He was talking to a couple.  The man was engaged and conversed. The woman was very uncomfortable and facilitated their exit as quickly as she could.  She spent the two minutes he was near them pretending he didn't exist.  

I can't even fathom their life.  To be ignored, yelled at, looked down upon, etc.  They made choices that got them there and it is sad.  Jodi and I treated them like humans and listened to their stories.  It took so little time.  No one was panhandling.  Junior told us the ambassadors keep a pretty tight reign on things because it might hurt the tourism and it is what runs the island.  We enjoyed our time with the boys who were all in their later 50's and early 60s.  It was a pleasure to meet George, Kuolt, Joe, Joe and Junior.  Down on their luck but not out yet.  

Sunburns

 This story starts in 2005.  We went to Maui and took Josh with us as company for Mike.  When we got there I told Josh he should use sunscreen.  The sun is different in Hawaii.  I have gotten the worst sunburn ever there.  Well he informed me that since he is bi-racial he doesn't burn and doesn't need to use sunscreen. I told him he should anyway but he refused.  You can't argue with 15 year-olds.

A couple days later he was trying to figure out why his skin hurt.  He had never experienced it before.  Yup, he got a sunburn.  I kind of laughed in my head.  No one ever believes me.  Some people have to learn the hard way.

So I told Jodi this story, probably for the fourth time over the years.  Then I bought sunscreen and recommended she use it.  The sun is different in Hawaii.  She refused telling me she does not burn.  I said, "Okay, Josh."  Hoping she was right.  

By day three she had a nice sunburn going on.  I kind of laughed in my head and now I see where Josh got it.  Some people have to learn it for themselves.  Now I have to tell Josh the story of his mom doing the same thing as him in Hawaii.

Caroline

 Jodi and I walk past this store more times than we should, but it is on the block past our hotel.  Every time we are accosted by the salespeople.  They are selling expensive skin products.  We know this because we did go in once.  Only $299 for a two year supply of this stuff that is better than botox.  It's not really.  It just dries on your skin and pulls it tighter so the wrinkles look smaller.  Anyway they do and say all kinds of things to get you to engage so they can try to sell their product.  And there are more than one shop selling the same stuff but all with different names.  But mostly we just passed this one.

So our second night we are walking through trying to get to the shops we want to shop in and the guy looks at me and says "Are you following me?"  I ignore him but it made me kind of upset.  That felt beyond the normal ploy of trying to get my attention.  We walk by and go shop.  

First shop there is this older woman shopping.  We discussed some little thing and went about our business.  Second shop this woman again came in behind us.  I turned to her and said "are you following us?"  Then I asked her if that guy on the previous block had tried that with her also and he had.  So we had quite the little discussion about pressure sales.  Went about our business again.

This morning we are walking on the sidewalk going the other way and we ran into her again.  We laughed.  Her name is Caroline and they were getting ready to leave the hotel and go stay in an airbnb.  She lives in Arizona.  She almost felt like a friend at this point.  

Laugh?

 So I happened to eavesdrop on a conversation between parent and child.  They seemed to be discussing how much work the child should be doing around the household.  I came in as the child said she works.  And the mother laughed at her.  And then went on a tirade of all the things she does and what her work hours were.  

All of that might have meant something if the mother ran a household and was raising a family.  It might have meant more if she hadn't just started a job (second week) after more than a year being unemployed.  It might have meant more if the daughter was babysitting and not working at a grocery store collecting a real paycheck. 

I looked back over my life and I do not recall my mother ever laughing at me and trying to make me feel small.  I come from my own alcoholic family with all of its co-dependencies.  We had all our own trails and tribulations.  But Mom never purposely tried to make us feel small.

Later I said something to the girl about seeing her job and how it hurt my feelings for her when her mom laughed.  She looked at me like she did not understand the last part.  And that is when I realized that she has coping mechanisms in place to protect herself.  It's a good thing for her to not be hurt by things like this.  It is also a sad thing that she has to have those coping mechanisms in the first place.  

It truly makes me appreciate what a good mom I had.  She worked hard to try and minimize the damage that we suffer in a broken family.  

Garden

 Last fall we started talking about a garden here.  I'm not sure what anyone else envisioned, but I just want a space to grow some grazing food.  I like to go out and just pick a mater and eat it.  Or a cucumber.  Or beans off the vine.  

We don't have a rototiller.  I don't want to pay someone to come rototill a small space for a grazing garden.  So I decided that a raised bed or two would be good.  Roommate loved the idea and thought we needed four four by eight beds.  Well that is a lot of garden space.  And she said she had a friend who could get us the lumber for cheap and we could build them ourselves.  

Time moved on and it was getting time to start some process.  I've heard nothing more from the household except dismay when I thought about buying a house in Indiana because we were going to have a garden.  Someone on Facebook was looking for raised beds and some woman said she made them.  So I messaged her and asked for the price.  $80 for two three by sixes.  Perfect.  I bought two.  That could still be one too many but we will see. 

So I have been mowing and getting ready for the beds.  Pat said I needed to make sure to round up by the fence because we won't be able to mow or weed eat once the garden grows.  So yesterday I did that and moved the last sheet of plywood.  Beds are in place and now waiting for dirt. Planting will have to wait until after the next trip to Indiana.  But I'm ready to rock.  And obviously the garden is mine.